Answer the Freaking Question

So I'm living in a world where people don't know how to answer a friend or co-worker's simple question, and it's ticking me off. If you are a friend, family member, acquaintence or co-worker of mine: No, this essay is not about you. It is about someone else. Let's begin:

If I ask you a question, you have three basic options:

ONE: "First you must prove to me you are worthy"

It's natural for my question to make other questions come up in your mind, particularly if my question is unexpected. But I should not have to justify myself to you before getting an answer, particularly if we are friends or colleagues.

Good
DOUG: When is Joe's flight due in?
YOU: 3 PM. ... Why do you ask?
DOUG: There's a seminar at 3:30 PM I thought he would be interested in. I guess he won't make it.

(Direct, to the point. I get my information, and you get your curiousity assuaged. )

Rude
DOUG: When is Joe's flight due it?
YOU: Why do you ask?
DOUG: Oh... umm... there's a seminar at 3:30 PM I thought he would be interested in.
YOU: He's coming in at 3:00 PM. He won't make it.

Even ruder, you annoying ass
DOUG: When is Joe's flight due it?
YOU: Why do you ask?
DOUG: Oh... umm... there's a seminar at 3:30 PM I thought he would be interested in.
YOU: What seminar?
DOUG: The underlying physics of the violin.
YOU: Why do you think he would be interested in that?
DOUG: We talked about it once. Now when is his flight -
YOU: Too late too make a 3:30 PM seminar, that's for sure.

I asked you a question. Answer it, or don't answer it. But unless the information is classified and you are establishing "need-to-know", don't make me jump through your situational-power hoops! You want to know why I asked? That's a second question - deal with mine first and then I'll deal with yours.

TWO: "First you must admit you are a moron"

People ask stupid questions. Smart people do it. Dumb people do it. Questions that you think are good questions may very well seem stupid to me. And vice versa I'm sure. If you want to use my stupid question to help you feel better about yourself, that's socially acceptible, but answer my question first before you have your fun.

Good
DOUG: Can we write sin(a+b) as sin(a) + sin(b)?
YOU: No. The sine function is not linear.

(Wonderful! I get my information, and can laugh about me with your friends later. )

Rude
DOUG: Can we write sin(a+b) as sin(a) + sin(b)?
YOU: No. The sine function is not linear. And WHAT math class are you in again?
DOUG: Calculus
YOU: You should really have known that.

Even ruder, you irritating jerk
DOUG: Can we write sin(a+b) as sin(a) + sin(b)?
YOU: WHAT math class are you in again?
DOUG: Calculus
YOU: Shouldn't you know that by now?
DOUG: Yes.
YOU: How did you get this far without knowing that?
DOUG: I don't know.
YOU: You agree that you should know this, right?
DOUG: Yes. I am stupid. You are not.
YOU: The sine function is not linear, so you can't write sin(a)+sin(b)

Oh, how cool you are. You know something that I should know and don't. You get to be "in charge" of the dialogue as long as you want before graciously dropping your turd of knowledge at my feet. Go to hell.

THREE: "First you must feign interest in my boring-ass hobbies "

Yes, I know that when you know something I want to know, you have a bit of power over me. A polite friend, colleague, or even a stranger will not try to maximize the use of that power. Answer my question, and then try to interest me as an equal. (Okay, I'm sometimes guilty of this to a small degree. I hope that putting it in writing will cure me.)

Good
DOUG: When is the staff meeting next week?
YOU: Hold on, I have to look on my computer...
[Microtosh Calendar starts to boot.]
YOU: Sorry, Microtosh Calendar takes a while to boot. ... Sometime remind me to show you this movie I downlo- HEY! There it is! The meeting starts at 4:30 PM next Friday.

(I appreciate you giving me the info as fast as you could, even though it was inconvenient. It was nice of you to make conversation while we waited. We might chat now, and perhaps talk about that movie.)

Rude
DOUG: When is the staff meeting next week?
YOU: Hold on, I have to look on my computer...
[Microtosh Calendar starts to boot.]
YOU: Sorry, Microtosh Calendar takes a while to boot. While we're waiting, let me show you this movie I downloaded, where a man receives an impact to his genitals in a surprising way.
[after that]
Now let's check the calendar: The meeting starts at 4:30 PM next Friday.

Even ruder, you pathetic buttpuppy
DOUG: When is the staff meeting next week?
YOU: Hold on, I have to look on my computer...
[Microtosh Calendar starts to boot.]
YOU: Sorry, Microtosh Calendar takes a while to boot. While we're waiting, let me show you this movie I downloaded, where a man receives an impact to his genitals in a surprising way.
[after that]
YOU: Let me show you this website of pictures of kittens doing unusual things. I literally died laughing the first five times I saw it.
[after that]
YOU: What did you think?
DOUG: Those kittens doing unusual things were certainly amusing.
YOU: Let me tell you where I'm at in my recovery.

I may have been interested in what you had to share with me. I may not have been. You will NEVER know because you shared while I was your CAPTIVE. If it takes 5 minutes to get the information, and you tell me a 4 minute story, I'm fine with that since we are both standing around anyway. But answer my question, as soon as you can, first. And then let it be my OPTION whether or not we continue our interaction. If we are friends, and I have time, of course I will kill some with you.

Look, gang, I'm not saying that my asking you a question means you have to drop everything to be my slave. If you don't have time to answer, let me know. If its none of my business, either tell me directly or avoid the question. I'm not saying you have to be my encyclopedia. All I'm saying is that if you're going to answer me, just freaking do it. Its not that hard.

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